Ten Awfully Atrocious Halloween ‘Treats’

Unless you're expecting an insane number of raisin loving toddlers, or you want to unload a ton of raisins on my boy, don't buy these to hand out on Halloween. However, if your raisin loving soul can't stand the thought of not handing out your favorite snack to tiny humans, maybe hand out these kid-approved SOUR flavored raisins.

I remember when I was a kid and there was an elderly couple who lived by my grandparents and they always handed out apples on Halloween. Every year when I'd ring the bell, I'd wonder if it was going to be the year they'd hand out something other than apples. Nope, they were the faithful fruit givers. Don't be a faithful fruit giver. If you feel like you have to give fruit, hook a kid up with one of these, okay?

If you were buying candy for me, I'd beg you to stock up on Ferrero Rocher chocolates with hazelnuts, but if you hand out chocolates with hazelnuts, there's a chance that you'll find them squished in your sidewalk because kids love chocolate with nuts- when squished it looks like poo. And kids think poo is funny. There's nothing that says you need an excuse to treat yourself to some Ferrero Rocher chocolates though...

It's sad to me that so many kids aren't able to appreciate the deliciousness that is black licorice. They will one day, but today isn’t that day. Their loss. Speaking of black licorice, if you can't get enough of it, splurge and treat yourself to some Gimbal's Scottie Dogs. You'll thank me later, for sure.

Someone thought it would be a great idea to fill the vending machine at work with a row of Almond Joys. The vending machine is empty except for that one row and not even the desperate-for-food person in the building who will literally eat anything (and I mean anything) won't touch those candy bars. I know this is going to sound really bizarre but as much as I detest Almond Joy candy bars, I actually really love Almond Joy creamer. If you haven't tried it, you should.

Oh, my goodness. So much work and so little satisfaction. My jaw hurts just thinking about chewing on them and for what? A drop of juice. Literally just a tiny drop. If you insist on going with a wax candy, at least buy wax lips because kids can actually have a little fun with those.

Sugar Daddy candies might be gluten-free, but they're also teeth puller-outters. If you're a parent who feels an anxiety attack coming on after simply thinking about your kid finding one of these in their bag, don't do the same to other parents. On the other hand, if you're not happy with what you're using to fertilize your plants you could always give this Sugar Daddy a try...

If you hand out this candy, you might become the most popular person in the neighborhood with the kids, but not their parents. The parents will hate you because you've created a neighborhood full of bounced-up kids who are all over the place. Well, all over the place more than usual. 'Eh, you know what? Do it. Buy the Pop Rocks and be popular with the kids. You might be able to use your popularity for some free snow shoveling this winter.

Clearly, this isn't a candy, but I had to add this to the list because some people think it's acceptable to hand these out on Halloween. It isn't. What is acceptable is to tell your dentist about this super fun costume (that just so happens to be right up their alley). 

I’m pretty positive that there's not a living soul who even knows what the name of this candy is. Have you ever noticed that there's no name on the wrapper? This is likely because the candy is so disgusting that no company wants their name associated with it. The only black and orange peanut butter things you should be handing out are these delicious chunks of goodness.