Okay, where do I start with this guy? Let's make a checklist for his night:

  1. Get dressed up in your fanciest jeans, black polo shirt, and unmatched white sneakers.
  2. Hop in your huge, brand new, white truck for a ride out to meet your friends at the strip club.
  3. After creeping through the whole parking lot back and forth like a shark, finally find a spot large enough to squeeze your destroy-mobile in to.
  4. Meet up with friends in the parking lot before heading in to the strip club (because, really, who wants to be the guy walking in to a boobie bar alone with mismatched clothing?).
  5. Order your first round of Jager Bombs (you know this tool drinks Jager Bombs, let's be honest).
  6. Get denied by your friends, forcing you to drink all three yourself. Start feeling buzzed already.
  7. "Hey, I think this stripper is into me! Think I can get her number? Or maybe get her to come home with me?"
  8. 1... 2... 3... lose count of how many private dances you bought, or how much money you've spent so far.
  9. Your dream girl has to get up on stage, so you stumble back to your seat with the your other two friends.
  10. Pound another 3 Jager Bombs because you've "forgotten" that your other two friends don't want to drink them with you.
  11. Your dream girl gets off stage, and walks off with another better dressed, sober guy with a good haircut and shoes that match his blazer.
  12. Drink some more because you're jealous and jaded.
  13. Get angry, storm off to your truck because "That's it! I'm done with this night! She broke my heart! I though "Diamond" and I had something special!"
  14. Your friends run out after you, trying to stop you from driving off, but you hit the gas - almost running over your friends.
  15. "What's this? I forgot in my drunken stupor and rage that I'm not buckled, and the door's still wide open... let's fix it!"
  16. Whoops! You fell out of your drunk-driver-death-mobile, and ran yourself over.
  17. Your truck plows in to a telephone pole, causing damage to both your truck, and city property.
  18. Your friends yell at you for being an idiot.
  19. You go to jail. You pay a ton of money for DUI charges, insurance claims, repairs to city property, and hospital bills... all out of pocket.
  20. The end.

The moral of the story, kids? Don't drink and drive, you say? Very true. Also... don't think that you're a special snowflake that's going to change the "exotic dancer", and make her your girlfriend. Unless you're Ryan Reynolds or John Stamos... you're out of luck, Buttercup.

Well, at least he ran himself over before he got a chance to do any more damage by getting behind the wheel. You stay classy, Florida!