Ladies, us men are so simple that it's confusing to you. I get that. Now let's get some things straight, so you don't ask later. We don't like to repeat ourselves.

  • 1

    We were not looking at your friend's cleavage.

    We were looking at cleavage in general. Cleavage is its own self-contained entity without needing a specific subject. It doesn't matter who it is attached to, unless it's our Mom or Sister.

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  • 2

    Your expectations?

    They're all yours. We do not need them, don't try to change us, because you will be disappointed. (Unless it's making a decision about your food expectations - would you choose already?!)

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  • 3

    Your previous boyfriends.

    We don't care how many boyfriends you had before us. It doesn't matter if there were a lot of very few. What we care about is knowing that they're all unemployed, mouth-breathing, douchey nerds, who couldn't please you no matter how hard they try. Remember this: our egos are more fragile than you realize.

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  • 4

    We notice very little.

    However, there are a few things that we will always notice:

    • You put the toilet paper on wrong, or left it empty.
    • Side-boob.
    • The liquor is gone. WHY IS THE LIQUOR GONE??
    • Under-boob.
    • Our tools are out of place. Who touched my tools?!
    • Boobs are in here three times for a reason. That's six boobs if you're counting.
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  • 5

    Wait a minute before you decide to nag us.

    If it has been a half-hour to an hour, and we haven't commented on (complimented) your new haircut, it's not because we haven't noticed yet, or think that it's gorgeous. It's simply because we've been busy with a more urgent matter, and if you stop me, this chicken is going to burn... and then we'll have another argument on our hands.

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  • 6

    You're the passenger, not the driver.

    You think I'm driving too fast now? You should see me when you're NOT in the car! Also, there is no brake on the floor of the passenger seat... or on the dashboard. Buckle up, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride!

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