Okay, so let's set the scene here; can I get this in a scrolling Star Wars style marquee?

Two men, clearly drunk in the middle of the day, have a disagreement about that I can only assume is the "best kind of paddle". One man says that you should go short with high-tech compound materials. The other, old school wooden oar, full length. The modern day Russian version of the light side versus dark side. Who wins? Let's find out: